親愛的建築師， 我受夠你了! Dear Architects I am sick of your shit.

最近看人家FB貼了這篇有趣的文章，覺得想跟大家分享，所以就翻譯了一下。翻譯有加入個人的語調，所以想看原文，文後有附!!

Dear Architects I am sick of your shit. 

親愛的建築師， 我受夠你了!

Annie Choi的公開信(An Open Letter)

Translate: Wan-Jen Tsai ,Yating Chang    Edited: Ling-Li Tseng , 

親愛的建築師們，我受夠了。

曾經（真的很久很久以前），我有一個朋友正在建築系就讀、未來（應該）會變成建築師。

這位朋友介紹給我他其他的建築系朋友，透過他的朋友們我認識了他朋友們的建築師朋友——實際在設計建築物而不是紙上談兵的真正的建築師，而他們通常把豪華公寓設計得超像玻璃陽具。

然後我又經由他們認識了其他真正的建築師們，而且他們都愛把設計圖畫得像玻璃陽具——那種我永遠也不會想在裡面工作或居住的建築，唯一作用只是在阻擋我窗外的紐澤西景緻。

請不要會錯意了，建築師們。我喜歡你們本人。你們人都很好，大部份時候都很好聞。我也喜歡你們的眼鏡和狂野的髮型（如果你們夠幸運，大部份的頭髮都還在頭上的話）。但是我一點都不在乎建築，真的。

我很在乎的東西如下：墨西哥卷餅、刺蝟、和咖啡。

就如你所見，建築不在這份列表上。我想，在所有我會有興趣的東西之中，建築的排名應該在灰腳趾（足癬）和大腸鏡檢查那附近。

其實，如果你沒有那麼愛談論建築的話，當你指著一個玻璃圓柱體、很驕傲的跟我說：「嘿！那是我的事務所設計的！」，我至少能夠表現得對它更有興趣一點。事實上我咯咯笑著說那不就是個水煙壺嘛，使你因為厭惡和羞辱感而撇過頭去。你一定想著：她很顯然的一點都不了解建築，她懂個屁？她只不過是個作家，又不是建築師。她搞不好認為母音比玻璃建築重要多了。

後來你說你正在設計一個Lifestyle center。

「那是什麼？」我問。

「喔，就是一個新形態的混合購物空間，結合了一般的零售商店、服務業店家和休閒設施。」

「那不就是購物中心嗎？」

「錯，是lifestyle center。」　

「聽起來就是購物中心啊！老娘在洛杉磯的信義區（*註）長大的，難道會不知道什麼是購物中心嗎？」

建築師們，我要說，你們真的讓我很困惑欸。

你們一個個每週工作60到80小時，怎麼還都那麼窮啊，連請我喝杯酒都負擔不起……不是光鮮亮麗的建築師嗎？難道都把錢花在喝酒應酬上面了嗎？還是召妓包二奶？真是一個大謎團，也許得要讓科學家來幫我解答。

建築師之間最愛討論他們睡了多少。

當一個人說他在工作室待到早上五點、離開只是為了兩個小時後再回去，另一個人就會說喔那沒什麼吧我一個禮拜沒睡了，然後第三個人就會說嘿我可從來都沒有在睡覺的。

我親愛的建築師啊，你們熬夜的時數無法拿來證明你工作努力與否或你的成就高低，好嗎？

你聽過Rem Koolhaask的大名吧？他是一個名建築師。（我之所以知道他是一個名建築師，是因為你一直強調他很有名。）

我聽說他常常都在睡覺，說不定現在就正在睡覺唷，我也聽說他總是可以把事情做完。我還聽說他正在做一項創舉，也就是：把建築物設計成一個水泥子宮，而非玻璃陽具。

哈，看到沒？如果你們睡多一點，就不會老是設計出玻璃陽具，你們都應該多跟他學學。（說不定女人緣還會直線上升呢！）

人生對我來說著實不易，請了解這一點。

建築師們是我的存在的一部分。他們會在晚上11點的時候打給我，說他們剛下班，問我餓嗎？

嘿，那幾乎是半夜了，我幾小時前就吃過了。但那時，老實說，我剛好餓了。所以，我說，好啊，一起吃飯。

當我到那邊的時候，有其他建築師們在場，他們一邊討論著AutoCAD快捷鍵跟電路板，一邊說著，「你能相信嗎？我整天就跟這兩樣東西搏鬥。」

這真是太悲哀了。我想著。我環視跟我同張飯桌的這些可憐的又累又餓的建築師們，我手邊的槍還剩下一顆子彈，我該先了結誰的性命呢？

我其他的朋友裡，有一個醫生，他可以開藥給我，讓我很high。

我還有一個律師朋友，之前幫我告過我的房東。

我的建築師朋友幫不上我任何的忙，不懂藥，不懂醫療，也不知道怎麼寫傳票。 

噢，一個建築師朋友幫我算出我的公寓大小是五坪多。那倒是滿好的，謝啦我的朋友。

我想應該有人會想問我，像我這樣子的人又能帶給那些建築師什麼？我帶給他們歡樂，我極力阻止他們無止盡地談論建築，逼他們聊一些更好玩的話題，例如火雞蛋！

為什麼我們吃雞蛋，卻不吃火雞蛋？火雞蛋大多了，而且人們都很喜歡火雞。

也就是說啊，我一點都不害怕追尋困難問題的答案。

結論是，親愛的建築師們，我還會姑且在你們身邊多待一下的。

我希望有一天你們之中的一些人會變成醫生或律師或會計師（幫我算一下稅務）。

那時我們就可以笑著回憶現在的這些日子......

現在你會花整個晚上如數家珍地談論某些歐洲人設計的什麼什麼房子，但是你太忙碌於工作、太專注於設計永遠也不會被蓋出來的東西，根本沒有到過歐洲去看那些你心目中的建築。

但是，即使那一天不會到來，還是給我通電話吧，我有空。

* The Vally= 洛杉磯北邊的一個繁華特區

  

Dear Architects

I am sick of your shit.  

Annie Choi

(An Open Letter)

Once, a long time ago in the days of yore, I had a friend who was  

studying architecture to become, presumably, an architect.  

This friend introduced me to other friends, who were also studying 

architecture. Then these friends had other friends who were 

architects - real architects doing real architecture like designing 

luxury condos that look a lot like glass dildos. And these real 

architects knew other real architects and now the only people I 

know are architects. And they all design glass dildos that I will 

never work or live in and serve only to obstruct my view of New

Jersey.  

  

Do not get me wrong, architects. I like you as a person. I think you 

are nice, smell good most of the time. and I like your glasses. You 

have crazy hair, and If you are lucky, most of it is on your head. 

But I do not care about architecture. It is true. This is what I do 

care about:  

  

• burritos  

• hedgehog

• coffee

As you can see, architecture is not on the list. I believe that architecture falls

somewhere between toenail fungus and invasive colonoscopy in the list of things

that Interest me.  

Perhaps if you didn't talk about it so much, I would be more interested when you 

point to a glass cylinder and say proudly, hey my office designed that. I giggle and 

say it looks like a bong. You turn your head in disgust and shame. You think, 

obviously she does not understand. What does she know? She is just a writer. 

She is no architect. She respects vowels, not glass cocks. And then you say now 

I am designing a lifestyle center, and I ask what is that, and you say it is a place 

that offers goods and services and retail opportunities and I say you mean like a 

mall and you say no. It is a lifestyle center. I say it sounds like a mall. I am from 

the Valley, bitch. I know malls.

Architects, I will not lie, you confuse me. You work sixty, eighty hours a week and

yet you are always poor. Why aren't you buying me a drink? Where is your

bounty of riches? Maybe you spent it on merlot. Maybe you spent it on hookers

and blow. I cannot be sure. It is a mystery. I will leave that to the scientists to

figure out.

  

Architects love to discuss how much sleep they have gotten. One will say how he 

was at the studio until five in the morning, only to return again two hours later.

Then another will say, oh that is nothing, I haven't slept in a week. And then

another will say, guess what, I have never slept ever. My dear architects, the

measure of how hard you've worked and how much you've accomplished is not

related to the number of hours you have not slept. Have you heard of Rem 

Koolhaas? He is a famous architect. I know this because you tell me he IS a 

famous architect. I hear that Rem Koolhaas is always sleeping. He is, I presume, 

sleeping right now. And I hear he gets shit done. And I also hear that in a

stunning move, he is making a building that looks not like a glass cock, but like a

concrete vagina. When you sleep more, you get vagina. You can all take a lesson 

from Rem Koolhaas.

Life is hard for me, please understand. Architects are an important part of my 

existence. They call me at eleven at night and say they just got off of work, am I

hungry? listen, it is practically midnight. I ate hours ago. So long ago that, in fact, I 

am hungry again. So yes, I will go. Then I will go and there will be other architects

talking about AutoCAD shortcuts and something about electric panels and can you

believe that is all I did today, what a drag I look around the table at the poor, tired, 

and hungry, and think to myself, I have but only one bullet left in the gun. Who will I

choose?

I have a friend who is a doctor. He gives me drugs. I enjoy them. I have a friend

who is a lawyer. He helped me sue my landlord. My architect friends have given

me nothing. No drugs, no medical advice, and they don't know how to spell

subpoena. One architect friend figured  out that my apartment was one hundred

and eighty seven square feet. That was nice. Thanks for that.  

I suppose one could ask what someone like me brings to architects like your

selves. I bring cheer. I yell at architects when they start talking about architecture. I

force them to discuss far more interesting topics, like turkey eggs. Why do we eat

chicken eggs, but not turkey eggs? They are bigger. And people really like turkey. 

See? I am not afraid to ask the tough questions.

So, dear architects, I will stick around, for only a little while. I hope that one day 

some of you will become doctors and lawyers or will figure out my taxes. And we 

will laugh at the days when you spent the entire evening talking about some 

European you've never met who designed a building you will never see because 

you are too busy working on something that will never get built. But even if that 

day doesn't arrive, give me a call anyway, I am free.  

Yours truly,  Annie Choi

Annie Choi is a writer living In a 187 square foot apartment In York City. Her memoir Happy Birthday or 

Whatever, Track Suits. Kim Chee, and Other Family disasters will be released by Harper Collins in April of 2007